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I was born afraid.

Okay, I was born Much Afraid.

Much Afraid from the very start. In my earliest memories lie a consistent, uncomfortable knot in my stomach and a feeling that things would not work out very well. You see, my mother was and is mentally ill. She had my two brothers and I by the time she was 23-years-old. It wasn’t until I was in Grad school to become a Therapist where we were studying bipolar disorder that I realized the disease was what drove her bizarre behaviors. At that point she had lived 53 years undiagnosed, and I had lived 30 years afraid.

Early on in life I learned to take care of myself and my brothers. I also figured it was somehow my job to take care of my mom. My dad was an OB GYN and was gone a lot. We lived on the Navajo Reservation since he worked for the Public Health Service and it was a lonely time. Fear and Shame were my constant companions. I was deeply afraid to be “found out.” I felt unworthy, not lovable, and very alone. I worked hard to stay under the radar which resulted in severe perfectionism rearing it’s ugly head. When I was 16 I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted. The knot of fear grew into full blown anxiety.

I was held captive in a prison of Shame and Fear and could see no way out.

God has a sneaky way of setting us Free. It usually happens when He lets us experience our worst nightmares. My freedom began with a prayer. I was married to a mentally ill man who struggled with alcoholism and sex addiction. I was 38 and desperate for freedom. I cried out to God to break the Generational Sin that had so bound me and my husband. I begged Him to break the sin that threatened to also bind my two children. The date was Saturday, April 10, 1999.

On April 11th I met with a woman experiencing demonic manifestations to do Deliverance Prayer to free her from the strongholds she was experiencing. Strangely, this was something God had led me into professionally, in addition to my work as a Therapist. In this session three of us prayed for her. It was an intense experience to say the least and the demons were stubborn about leaving this woman. Finally, she experienced a release. The woman fell forward, then lifted her head and looked me straight in the eye:

“The Generational Sin is broken with your children”

I fell out of my chair. This was the first time we had met!

Things I’ve learned: One, God hears every prayer. Two, be very careful what you pray for.

April 19, 1999 I was in between sessions checking my messages. I was half listening when I heard something about an affair with someone named Mike. I replayed the message and heard clearly that this woman was telling me she was having an affair with my husband, Mike. My body went cold. The knot grew into a violent wave of nausea. A sweet little family sat in my waiting room ready for their session. In a state of shock, I led them into my office, ‘cause that’s what I do. The session was a blur.

That night was what we call in the business “The Dark Night of the Soul.” I hadn’t realized I’d made a deal with God until it was broken. I screamed at Him, “I told you if this ever happened to me I couldn’t handle it!” I cried and screamed and cried and screamed all night. Finally, at some point in the night, little Much Afraid gave up the fight. I lay on my floor, praying to die. Little Much Afraid did die that night. A gentle voice spoke, “Dee Dee, when are you going to figure out, I AM all you have, but I AM all you need”. A weird peace came over me and I finally slept.

The next morning was April 20, 1999. After ugly crying all night, I got up and went to work, ‘cause that’s what I do. I was at my Littleton office that day. Just before noon, I began to hear sirens screaming, then helicopters flying overhead. My pager was going off again and again. My phone beeped with voicemail messages. I finally checked my messages and heard desperate voices, “There’s been a shooting at Columbine! We need you here now!” That day seems like a thousand years ago, and also like it happened yesterday.

I went to Leawood Elementary School where parents were sent to be reunited with their children. Someone slapped a name tag on me that said “Therapist” and sent me into a room where the parents had not yet heard from their children. All I could do was pray and cry with them. I later found out that those were the parents of children that had been killed in the shootings.

I knew one of the moms from church. She was a delightful, funny woman and her daughter was missing. She was alternately, calm and hysterical. “I know she’s okay, she’s hiding in a room in the library waiting for us to get her.” “She’s dead…she’s dead!” At one point as I was praying with her she looked up with desperation in her eyes and choked, “I told God if this ever happened to me I couldn’t handle it.” The deal she thought she had with God was broken. Again, my body went cold. Unlike this woman, I did not lose a child. Both of us would somehow survive this nightmare. I saw firsthand that God would use my brokenness to help others in their brokenness. All the shame and fear I had experienced up to this point had finally lost their power. But I wasn’t free. God had one more big lesson before I would truly experience freedom.

March 2004 was a sweet time. After a devastating divorce three years earlier, I was happily married to a wonderful man named Tom. My children were 16 and 19, but sadly had not had contact with their dad for two years. We weren’t even sure where he was.

Tom and I were a part of an awesome community that met on Sunday nights to pray. During the middle of prayer, my phone started buzzing repeatedly. I excused myself to listen to the message.

“Dee Dee, this is Veronica. Mike was just admitted to the hospital. He’s dying. You have to come.”

Veronica, who was part of our prayer community, happened to be working at the hospital that night. She was a nurse, and recognized Mike’s name on the board.  I later learned that when asked if there was next-of-kin to notify of hospitalization, Mike sad no. Veronica risked her job that night by calling me. I phoned my kids and we all headed to the hospital.

When we arrived, Mike was lying in a hospital bed heavily sedated. He looked like Hell. He had been found in a Halfway House, hemorrhaging violently and vomiting blood everywhere. Though he was conscious, he was intubated and unable to speak.

My kids both went bravely into his room. I could hear them saying they loved him and forgave him for all he had done. I sat outside the room so proud of them for their incredible grace. I could feel the nudging of God to go in and pray for Mike.

“No” I said out loud. “I have no desire to pray for him.”

The kids came out of the room and I played tug-of-war with God for a few minutes. God won.

Angrily, I went into Mike’s room. I started a half-hearted prayer and was overcome with a powerful wave of hatred and betrayal. I was shaking. ‘I can’t pray for him,’ I thought. ‘I hate him. I hate that he was such a shitty husband. I hate that he chose alcohol and other women over me and my kids. I hate that he ignored healing and redemption. I hate that my kids have to deal with their dad dying. And I really hate that I think he’s going to Heaven. He doesn’t deserve Heaven! He was an asshole. Mike never did anything good in his life and you’re probably going to welcome him to Heaven with open arms, ‘cause that’s what You do.’

I stopped and looked at Mike. He looked awful. His skin was yellow. His body was bloated. He was 43-years-old and he was dying. In that moment I could feel God’s profound compassion. Mike was tormented his whole life and he would finally be free. Mike would be with the Lord, I was certain. I felt the rejoicing of the Lord in my spirit – and – I felt deep remorse and shame for my own shitty self. Who am I to judge him? Are my sins of condemnation and judgment any better than Mike’s sins? Do I think I somehow “deserve” Heaven? Wow…I really never understood that whole Grace thing before. I begged God to forgive me for my self-righteousness, for my “cleaner” sins, for my pride and arrogance  assuming I somehow deserved God’s favor more than Mike.

God’s perfect undeserved Grace truly set me free.

It’s been a long journey, but I think I get it now. Or, at least I’m starting to get it. God has provided wisdom and freedom in His artfully sneaky ways. God has demolished Fear and Shame in my life and given me grace when I didn’t deserve it, He’s broken the Generational Sin. Two days ago, my son and his wife welcomed their baby girl into the world. Avery Frances. Her name means Wise and Free. She is. We are.

[This blog also appears on Momastrey.com’s Messy Beautiful Warriors Project]

Have you ever heard the saying “comparison is the thief of joy?” One of the enemy’s favorite tactics to use against women is to taunt us by comparing us to other women. “She’s got thinner hips than you, her breasts are fuller, her waist is smaller, her hair is shinier, her eyes are bigger, her legs are more toned”  and on and on. Why does he do this? Because he can. Worse, we allow comparison to happen. Women are naturally good observers. We walk into a room of other females and can assess our own status in a matter of seconds. We have been trained by society to see what category we fall into, based on our looks and “presentation.”

Whenever I lead a retreat or workshop on body image, I ask the women to look around the room and see if they can find someone who looks like them. Inevitably, they cannot. “Okay, find someone with your exact hair color.” Still no matches. “Who has green eyes like I do? See if you can find someone with that exact color” As they walk around the room, it becomes very apparent that we were made by a very creative Creator. We’re our own work of art.

I can remember a particularly difficult time in my life when my self esteem and body image was at an all time low. I was a stay at home mom in a very difficult marriage and I spent a great deal of time repeating a constant barrage of nasty thoughts about myself, to myself. My mere reflection in the mirror confirmed all of the flaws and imperfections I heard taunting me every day.

One day as I stood in front of the mirror feeling defeated and angry that God had made me so imperfect, I heard a gentle Voice:

“I have made you unique.

Look at your beautiful smile.

No one else smiles like you.

I delight in you.

Look closely at your eyes.

They are a lovely shade of green”

As I looked for the first time at my face through His eyes, I began to tear up. I saw a brown freckle in my right eye that I had never noticed before. He really did make me to be unique. I heard these words and felt a deep remorse. I began to cry and ask God to forgive me for my vanity, my blindness and especially for believing these lies about myself. I began to realize the stronghold the enemy had gained because I had bought into the lie that I needed to look like someone else in order to be accepted and loved. The lie that I am not enough.

I am enough. You are enough.

When you fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other women several things happen. First, you’re forced to shut down your natural tendency to love and nurture others. Comparison brings out our competitive nature and this is generally when we are at our worst. When you compare, you are shutting down the sweet Spirit the Lord has given you and replacing it with the lies of the enemy. “She thinks she’s better than you” “She’s out to get you” “She’s got it all together” “You’ll never measure up to her.” Comparison is the thief of joy.

One of my favorite parts of the retreats I lead is when women share some of the lies they have believed and how believing those lies has effected them. As we go around the circle and share, I will stop the women at some point and have them notice the “themes” of these lies. We hear the same ones over and over: “You are not lovable” “You are fat, disgusting, ugly” “No one will ever want you” “You are too much” “You are unworthy” “You will never be good enough” “You are shameful.” And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

During these discussions something incredible happens. We go around the circle and I have women speak truth to each other and share how they have experienced each woman during our time together. Women begin to share from their hearts. They begin to speak love and acceptance to each other. They use their gifts of discernment to speak blessings into places where women have believed curses. They do exactly what the enemy is afraid we will do. They use the gifts God has given us to help others become Free. You can see why the enemy is so invested in getting us to compare ourselves and judge others. He loses all ground when we step up as women of Truth and Love.

Allow yourself to stop the comparison and begin to speak truth into your beauty and the beauty of others. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

In part one of Why Am I Blogging I spoke on the issue of shame. You can read about that and my fight against shame and how doing something that makes you uncomfortable (like blogging) can bring about that feeling here. But, on the other end of the spectrum, blogging makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel free and I want you to experience freedom, too!

One of the focuses of not only my blog, but my work, is body image. I have a passion for positive body image due to the massive damage the media has brought into girl’s and women’s lives – myself included. We are so bombarded with images and expectations that are impossible to live up to. Women are attacked with weapons of shame and fear and I am so committed to speaking truth into these lies! I have had the privilege of working as a therapist for the past 20 years. I have been on the front lines with girls and women who have faced sexual trauma, violence, depression, severe anxiety, abandonment and unspeakable loss. One of the places of common ground that emerges from these issues is always a compromised sense of who we are as women and how we perceive ourselves and our bodies. I have yet to meet a woman who has not, at some point in her life, experienced a distorted, unhealthy sense of her body. This struggle takes so many shapes, but in extreme cases can be so severe, so restrictive and controlling that it leads to death.

My hope is that by talking honestly about this issue and by uncovering the shame and fear, we can walk together into a place of Freedom!

I would love for us to take back the ground the enemy has stolen from us. This is not an issue that will go away without a fight (and, in fact, it progressively gets more insidious and destructive in our society). I want my two-year-old granddaughter to grow up in a different world than I did; a world where she is celebrated for her uniqueness, where she walks in beauty and power no matter what she looks like or what size she is, where she is not bound by Shame and Fear. I want her to be the Warrior Princess that God created her to be.

So I’m blogging to speak truth. I’m blogging to be a slayer of the Dragons of Shame and Fear. I hope you, too will become the Warrior Princess God has created you to be and will join me in the battle towards freedom and positive body image!

I recently returned from an incredible experience called the “Launch Conference.” Michael Hyatt and Ken Davis were two of the main presenters. The conference is designed to help participants take their Ministries and messages to a more robust audience. One of the participants described the four days as “drinking out of a fire hose” and I, myself, certainly left the conference inspired, motivated and overwhelmed. I had already started my book about body image long before the conference, and knew that finishing the book was my next step. At the conference Michael talked quite a bit about blogging. He said he had come to the conclusion that his blog was his workshop. He used his blog to try out thoughts and ideas, and bring some shape and structure to them. That really resonated with me. I have so many ideas and thoughts that I need a place to work them out. Enter: blogging.

It sounds great in theory, right? But in actuality, here’s where my 53-year-old brain goes with blogging: I’m not really sure what it is or how to do it. When something feels foreign and unknown to me several things come up.

1. I feel inept and uncomfortable knowing that I don’t know something. Shame creeps in.
2. I feel sleepy and in need of a nap.
3. I feel like if I’m going to blog it better be the best blog possible…There is no room for a not-great blog.
4. I feel sleepy and in need of a nap.

So here I sit. Truly, I think I’m blogging, but that’s about it. I know I will need to rein in my creeping shame. I want to blog so I will sit and write instead of taking a nap. I will create my best blog knowing it will probably not be great. I will not nap. I will resist my sleepy, avoidant self and continue to type.

Is there something you want to try or know you need to do but perhaps fear (napping) is getting in the way? Rein in your shame and go for it.

Coming soon: Why am I blogging? Part Two: Freedom

(Because you just might need a few more reasons.)

1. You don’t have an accurate picture of yourself. Research shows that women tend to see themselves as being one to two sizes larger than they actually are. (Men see themselves as thinner and in better shape than they really are…go figure.) Research also shows that photographs DO add weight and can distort what we really look like, so don’t look at a photo as “evidence” of your true appearance. And don’t completely trust the picture in your head, either. I sit with women of all ages, every day who have a completely distorted view of themselves. It doesn’t matter what age…they see themselves as heavier and less attractive than they really are. You’re not alone, and you’re also not entirely accurate.

2. “I wish I was as thin now as I was when I thought I was fat.” I have heard this so many times from my girlfriends and clients. They’ll say “I look back at myself when I was younger…I was so thin but I thought I was fat.” We just can’t seem to accept ourselves as the lovely creatures we are. There is so much external and internal pressure to be “perfect” that we can’t actually see our unique beauty. Here’s some reality: you might currently be the best shape and weight you will ever be. Embrace it.

3. You don’t want dieting to be your biggest regret. My sweet mother-in-law passed away a few years ago at the age of 89. I can’t think of any woman I loved and admired more than her. I had the privilege of sitting with her in her last days where she shared that constant dieting was her biggest regret. We waste so much time being dissatisfied with and even hating our bodies. When we make a conscious decision to truly love and care for our bodies, something significant begins to shift inside us. Our bodies are not our enemies. Don’t spend your entire, precious life hating yours.

4. How’s that “when I…” working out for you, anyway? As women we tend not to live in the present. We say, “when I lose 10 pounds, I’ll be happier.” “When I get fit I’ll want to have sex with my husband, buy cute clothes, run a marathon, pursue my passions.” Sure, maybe. But what if you decided to do all those things WITHOUT losing 10 pounds or slaving away at the gym? Really, what would happen? I’ll tell you what would happen…you’d definitely be happier. You’d certainly be having more sex with your husband, wearing cuter clothes, training for a marathon and pursuing your passions. All without shedding a pound! Do you see how crazy, limiting and unhelpful the “When I…” mantra is?

5. Your legacy. I believe those of us that are mothers of daughters, aunts of nieces and mentors of young girls have a very important responsibility to model self acceptance, courage and empowerment. I want my daughters, granddaughters and nieces to remember me as one who shared my passions, entered bravely into the world and made a difference in people’s lives. My legacy will have nothing to do with what I weighed, what size clothes I wore, or what I looked like – and yours won’t either. The most important gift we can give the world is US…pure and simple. The more I embrace myself, flaws and all, changing body and all, the more I can be an example to others to do the same. You aren’t the shape or weight of your body. Your legacy is so much more.

We’re mere days into the new year and you’ve undoubtedly found yourself contemplating how to make 2014 a little easier, more efficient, more peaceful than good ole 2013. All your answers lie here in making 2014 one of the best, most empowering years yet.

#1 Ditch your scale. Seriously. No good has ever come from a scale. Ever. Scales are evil, mean-spirited liars. Your favorite pair of jeans will tell you if you’ve gained weight. And if your jeans make you mad, buy another, friendlier pair.

#2 Say something nice to yourself in the mirror each morning. Nobody is watching, just do it. Try something simple as “Hi Friend.” The mirror is on my list of unfriendly items in the home…However it is somewhat of a necessity for makeup, hairstyling and general grooming, so I say…Turn the mirror into a safe haven of kindess. Start each day with words of love towards yourself.

#3 Be grateful for your body. No matter the size or shape, your body is an incredible gift. Consider in each moment the amazing feats your body can accomplish. That well-oiled machine is pretty spectacular. Be grateful for it.

#4 Beware the compare. Instead of finding what is wrong with you when you look at someone else, appreciate the individual beauty in yourself AND the other person. It’s there if you look for it. If you are comparing yourself to a real person who is standing near you, get that thought off your mind by telling her what you find beautiful about her. (Only females can do this with other females…guys, you’re likely to adopt full on Creeper status without a bit of tact here. Sorry.)

#5 Challenge at least one lie a day. You know what I’m talking about…”I’m not enough,” “I’m too much,” “I don’t deserve love,” “I’m a disappointment.” These may seem like truths in the moment, but I’m here to tell you, they’re lies. Rather than letting the lie take residence, challenge it with TRUTH. That brain of yours is tricky. Consider that “truth” you’re telling yourself again. If you can’t come up with a truth, ask someone who cares about you to correct you. If you don’t have anyone to do that, message me…I’ll give you some truth.

#6 Do something kind for yourself every. Single. Day. Maybe it’s complimenting yourself. (Women are especially bad at this). Perhaps it’s listening to a favorite song, calling a friend, or taking a walk with a hot cup of coffee. It could even be buying an adorable, tiny stuffed animal for yourself (one of my favorite things to do) or taking time to cook a meal. Whatever it is, Every. Day. You deserve to be your biggest kindness advocate.

#7 Be risky each day! It could be as simple as smiling and saying hello to someone on the street. Maybe it’s being a little more vulnerable with someone you love. Maybe it’s climbing a 14er. Seriously, if I can do that…anyone can. This is your life, take some risks!

#8 Just STOP. You will never be “done” or “caught up.” Trust me. It’s time to go to bed. Give yourself the gift of sleep, rest and rejuvenation. That extra hour of sleep is a wonderful gift.

#9 Take a Yoga class. Just do it. Don’t ask questions. It’s one of the kindest things you will ever do for yourself. The benefits are unbelievable, and it will be one of the few times your monkey mind will be still. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re scared to stretch your mind and body in yoga? See number 7.

#10 Celebrate yourself every day. You can tell I’m a big fan of positive self-talk. I celebrate lots of little accomplishments. Yay! I went to my Yoga class! Yay! I flossed my teeth! Yay! I forgave myself for screwing something up! Yay! I’m a flawed human being doing the best I can! Yay!

This can be a hard world. By practicing these New Year’s Resolutions, you can actually make the world a kinder place for yourself (and the rest of us, too). And you’ll be one of the few people who actually keeps your New Year’s Resolutions past January .